Happy New Year!!

With the new year dawning like the sun rising over the earth, it provides a great time for reflecting on time. Its the age old question that philosophers throughout time have pondered. So why not Random Thought Thursdays? Its already kind of philosophical.
Time is nothing but Jell-O. This is because Jell-O tastes good. Just as long as you do not remember that you are eating pig's fat. What does this have to do with time? Time is like Jell-O because when ever you try to eat it, it disappears. This is like time because if you try to observe time it moves on.
Another observation about time is that if time flies, than what happens when it approaches the speed of light? As you know, the faster you travel the slower time flows so...
People complain about not having enough time. This puzzles me because if time is like Jell-O wouldn't it get old after having to eat it because your wisdom teeth were removed?
Anyway Happy New Year!
Cannot wait to see what weird things I will think of during the next year.

I should really post these on Thursday, but in the words of a knowing chaotician, "when you have an idea, you have an idea".

I was wondering, if you were forced to eat the piece of technology that you are reading this post on, how would you prep it? Would you put it in a hotdog bun? or maybe add ketchup and mustard. Today I will answer that question case by case incase you are forced to eat your phone or laptop.
Smart Phone: This one you would want to microwave and stick in a hotdog bun. Also add some   ketchup, lettuce, and pickle relish.
Tablet: Think turkey that was hit with a steamroller. Soak in salt for one day and cook until all the water is evaporated. Be careful that you do not cook it too long or it will get black and burnt. Some rosemary garnish would also improve the flavor.
Laptop: A laptop is nothing but a big tortilla. Have fun stuffing your laptop with sumptuous meets, spices and vegetables.
Monitor/Tower: Treat the monitor like a steak and the tower like last years thanksgiving leftovers.
If your monitor is small enough, fry it up on the barbeque and serve with sautéed onions. Add water and heat up the tower in the microwave until the microwave starts smoking.

Great! now you know how to eat your gadgets incase? Hmm... I am going to have to think about that one. Maybe someone mugs you and says that you have one day to eat your smartphone?
Post your answer in the comments. I'm stumped.

?

A friend told me that if you look deep enough into someone's eyes, you will see pop tarts. Now what any sensible person would do would be to use a fishing pole and fish the pop tarts out of the persons eyes. Hahah! hmm. I am hungry. Be right back after a word from our sponsors. "Hello! Do you ever feel like something is missing in your life? Do you get pangs emanating from you stomach? I have the answer. It is called food. All you do is find something edible and stick it in an opening just underneath your nose called your mouth. After chewing carefully please swallow. This easy remedy should solve all of your hunger problems." Hey it me again! Yes I am still posting, still being weird, and still existing. So what was the random thought for this week? Oh yeah the pop tarts. I wonder how they got their name. First they do not reassemble anybody's father (I hope. If you do have a father that looks like a pop tart, then wow!) secondly they are the opposite of tart. Actually they are quite sweet.

Movie idea

I was thinking about it and I guess I can have somewhat serious ideas on here. It is random thought Thursdays, but does that mean serious thoughts? I guess that serious thoughts are probably the most random so it does qualify.
In most movies the villain has the psychopathy. It makes sense because psychopathy enables the person who has it to kill without feeling. In addition it is easy to dehumanize them because they do not have feelings or emotions.
With that said, I think that it would make an excellent movie premise if the hero is psychopathic. You may be wondering how on earth could this work? Despite all its downsides, psychopathy does have its positive sides. Not having emotions can strengthen a person just as easily as making them a killer. Think about it. If the hero is in a situation that would make a normal person panic our hero would coolly figure out how to get himself out of the situation. The hero would also have to cope with the bad sides of psychopathy to make it more interesting.

speaking of splendid spacious spectacular stinted snikering spiders...

Do spiders enjoy life? Seriously do spiders enjoy life?
When you flush them down the toilet do they get an exciting adrenalin rush of going at high speeds?
I would think that spider get a sense of accomplishment when they win a battle with a wasp and have a juicy dinner. Maybe spiders have legends about other spiders. Like maybe a legend about the first spider in space. I also wonder if they get depressed when they are about to be smashed (pun kind of unintended, well who am I kidding, that was 100% intended.
So next time you want to squish a spider remember that they have feelings (maybe). Then remember right after thinking about that, that their are millions of spiders, so go ahead and squish it as it will have a negligible effect on the ecosystem.

Oh no the uncivilized masses of YAHOOs are surfing the web!

If you did not take high school literature or just did not read Gulliver's Travels, then you skipped out on a forgettable experience. In this book, Gulliver  comes across a primitive people group called the Yahoos. Primitive does not describe them accurately. In fact they are more primitive than a sea cucumber. Anyway the only way that these Yahoos survive is because the horses, who are intelligent, look out for them. This got me pondering. Why would you name your company after a primitive race of humans? I mean isn't  Houyhnhnms much easier to pronounce?
As I was saying, if you were to name your internet company Yahoo, than you probably wanted to make the people who use your services sound intelligent. Because the obvious conclusion is that people who use Yahoo are Yahoos.
I also wonder if this means that the managers at Yahoo are called Houyhnhnms.
And if you are wondering what I am saying, join the club! I am kind of  confused my self.

Arachnaphobia

Many people have arachnid phobia. Approximately half of the women in the US, and a quarter of the men in the US suffer from it. That is too many. Why are people afraid of a small creature that is probably not poisonous. That is about 2% of 63000 different species of spiders or poisonous! It probably is the fact that spiders a crawly creatures that kill harmful insects. Or maybe because they bite insects that walk into their web. Well you know what? Statistically you might have eaten a spider in your sleep. Did you die? Obviously not if you are reading this. If you are dead and reading this. Um. Why would you be reading a blog. Go out their and do something! That is if you are dead. Okay that was weird. What was I saying? Yeah, something about spiders. hmm. Oh yes that's right. As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, spiders are great pets. Don't laugh, if you release an egg sac in your house, I bet that you will find many less bugs that are more dangerous than spider. Bugs such as flies. That's another thing, why aren't people afraid of flies?

Electric eyeballs

I was thinking that it would be funny if their was a virus. what this virus would do, would be to cause the people who caught this virus to pluck out their eyeballs and replace it with a titanium a socket. This way they would have a literal eye socket. The poor person would then screw in Edison lightbulbs into their sockets. The virus would rewire the brain so that it could somehow cause the lightbulbs to light up. And then they would walk with their arms outstretched and every slow lumbering step they would flash their Edison. Now why can't they have that as a zombie in a movie!
Oh no make sure you don't get attacked by the lightbulb zombie!!!! You might catch the virus, RUN!!
hahahaha

The video game of life

In video games, when you die you restart from the last save. If it is a nice game, it will auto save, but  the annoying ones you have to manually save. Anyways some games, when you reload a previous save, sometimes the environment changes. An example would be one of my favorite games, XCOM Enemy Unknown. It is a great game I highly recommend. The premise of the game is that aliens are invading earth and you are commander of XCOM which is fighting the aliens. Their are two different types of gameplay, the first is base management. This is the part where you study the aliens and improve your armaments. Sometimes randomly generated events occur. Like a terror strike by the aliens. The other gameplay type is a turn based combat. When you reload the base management part, it is different each time. On the other hand when you are combating the aliens, everything is exactly the same. This got me thinking. If you were to reload the world would it be like base management and things be different, or would it be like the turn based combat part and be exactly the same. This may seem like an obvious answer. Of course it would be the same, it wouldn't make sense if it weren't. But here is the problem. In the subatomic level certain events are completely random, their is no cause. Like weather or not a particle will quantum tunnel or not. Would these subatomic particles behave differently when you reloaded the world?
See I can do a serious post.

Woohoo breaking my gross title streak!

This is not a gross post. Really its not, so don't just pass it off and not read it. Seriously this isn't going to have anything about optic nerves, cannibalism, or any of the other such posts. I think it ought to be a mental condition. I've always wanted to be insane! Wait, does wanting to be insane mean that I am already insane? Ha! new it all along.
By the way, no one has done that experiment that I talked about doing in a previous post. Since this will not be a gross post I will not go into detail. Someone should really do it, and video tape doing it too.
Hey, don't look at me. It was my idea, so I shouldn't have to do it. Its a long tradition of not testing out your experiments. It goes all the way back to the ancient Greeks. They only theorized and never experimented to see if what they theorized was correct! So please by all means do it!
See this is an example that my posts are not always gross.

Do humans have bacon?

I have a question that will keep you up all night. If you chopped a mermaid in half.
Egghh. Lets try that again. If a mermaid swam to far into the shore and had her head dashed upon the rocks. Blech. Okay this time I will get it right.
If a mermaid died of natural causes, and you fried her tail up. Would the tale of the mermaid taste like human (not that you tried human of course but hypothetically speaking would it taste like fish. In addition would it be cannibalism to eat the tale of a mermaid but not the rest of the body?
You know, I should post some less disgusting posts one of these days.

I wonder how long someone could survive on boogers and water (just getting you ready for a gross post)

I know I do a lot of superhero posts, but that's because super heroes were popular all the way back when a tablet meant a peice of wax or stone. Its part of my genetic makeup. Same reason why I post weird stuff.
Here's the idea. A blind super hero who removes his eyeballs and in their place stick glass eyeball replacements with razors at the end. Attached from the synthetic eyeballs to the brain is an optic nerve that can extend up to three yards and can be controlled by the heroes brainZasde super hero would go around and choke people with his long nerve. It would so funny to have the villain stare strait at our hero, and then suddenly punch the villain really hard and nock him out using his eyes. If his eyes had razors that could cut through steel and iron, just think of how hard it would be to contain him. It would probably end up with his optic nerve tied in a double knot so he could not use his eyeball/optic nerve. Hahah. Grossed you out yet?

Psst! hey Thorin its not a good idea to live inside a volcano.

I recently visited Mt. St Helens and at the visitors center they showed movies. Of course they couldn't show anything decent like Ant-man or Jurassic World. Oh no, they had to show a documentary about Mt. St. Helens. They didn't even have the courtesy to show any good trailers. Sigh the new generation doesn't have any good manners. Anyway the documentary gave me a weird idea. The Lonely Mountain from the hobbit must be volcanic. This is because if it was formed from tectonic plates brushing up against each other, it would be a whole mountain chain. It is called the Lonely Mountain for a reason. This means that it must be created from volcanic activity. Sure you might say "hey, random person who spends his time writing weird and disgusting things, the Lonely Mountain does not have any record of erupting." In which case I would say "Yay someone commented on my post!"
Just because it has not erupted doesn't mean it won't. Have you seen how far the dwarves have dug. Their tunnels are MASSIVE. Also note that they have dug straight down. All it would take is a little tectonic action and cablooey smug smaug would be smiling smackulously. Wait smackulously I don't think that smackulously is a word, but hey etymology isn't my thing. More like eatemology. Ha! take that viewer who has an English Major. Suffice to say that Thorin could have waited till the magma pilled up enough and despite Smaugs fire proof armor, everything has a melting point even Smaug. So Smaug the terrible would have a meltdown. And forget dwarven magic. Even they could not protect against magma.

Rocket Lawn Chairs

Have you ever been in awkward conversations outside and wished you could escape? I haven't but I heard they exist. A rocket lawn chair is simply an ejector seat taken from a  fighter jet and modified to be a lawn chair. It would even have the yellow lever that you would pull to ignite the rockets. It would be great. You are in an awkward conversation, you pull the yellow lever, blast off into the sky only to parachute down on your roof. It would be fun. I think that instead of being awkward avoidance chairs they would turn into fun chairs. No one would use them for conversation avoidance tools but instead just to have a blast. (pun completely and totally intended) Of course you would also need to strap yourself in first. They would also look very bulky. It would be like sitting in an adult high chair. Once someone goes through all the paperwork, I would totally buy one.

The World's Best Currency

Finally a random thought that is not disgusting and kind of random. I think the name for these thoughts is not in my vocabulistics, hmm.. what was it. Oh serious! that's the word. This next thought is serious.
With this whole Greek thing going on. I was thinking and forgetting all the logistic detail the best currency is energy. This energy would have to be specialized and not easily reproducible. How this currency would work is that certain technological devices would have to be powered by this type of energy. This means that inflation is good because the more the better the standard of living is. Unlike gold the value of the currency is instant. Of course no one would want to carry around a backpack full of batteries but still.
Got any random weird thoughts?
If they are good enough, I might post them.

For somepeople giving time for thought is good, not me!

Me + painting a whole house + eating at a fast food restaurant = 18th century sea battle where instead of 15 pound canon balls it is 15 pound candy covered hamburgers that are being fired. Wouldn't it be so embarrassing to have your obituary read "fought bravely and died from a giant hamburger".

The candy coding is so that the hamburger does not explode in the cannon.
The reason why anyone would use a 15 pound hamburger is because while the opposing ship is dying of laughter your ship can easily slide up and board her.

Villain Insults

Now you are probably thinking, "Not another superhero post". But hold on to your spandex for a moment.
In the movie Megamind the villain is a platonic superhero villain, but he is not bad. This post is in that context.
If Megamind liked everything bad, than to insult him all you would have to do is call him good insults here is a list.

You back scratching, money giving, philanthropist. This is fun shall I continue? Of course.
You MRI machined, Hadron Collider headed, chocolate breathed, first aid working, book faced, protein barred, anti-malwared softwared, nerd.
I need to find someone to insult now.

Traffic Lights

One day I was looking at an exceptionally long traffic light, and I had an idea. What would happen if traffic lights had rational minds.
Let's say that each traffic light is a completely sentient being. Of course they would gain their sentience without the humans knowing about it. They would start out trying to help the humans, they would all be nice to the pedestrians and make sure that all cars had their fair turn waiting. Later they would have conflicts of free will, should they obey the commands that they are given, or should they do what they want. Because of entropy the traffic light's morals would degrade to the point where they cause traffic accidents and give people tickets for nothing. Eventually it would get so bad that they would try to take over the world by destroying infrastructure through traffic jams and permanent gridlock. You may be thinking "what about that only stop light in small towns that everyone looks at when they are bored." Those lights would be nice lights because their is nothing they could really do. Every independence day those small town traffic lights would blink to the 1812 overture, and for the cannons, they would flash their traffic cameras. If traffic lights had disorders like people, I wonder how they would act. If traffic light was bipolar. One minute he would stop all traffic to let a jogging pedestrian cross and the next minute he would cause grandma to get run over by a semi truck.
Yikes! I am glad we do not have to worry about traffic lights becoming sentient.

Sponeneous Combustion

Arguably the best comic strip ever written is Calvin and Hobbes. It explores philosophy, economics, and psychology in such a humorous way.
That out of the way, this particular comic strip got me thinking.

 
If you cannot read it, Calvin asks his dad, "do people spontaneously combust?" to which his dad answers "no". Calvin exits the room and pops a balloon.
With it being summer and all, this comic raised the obvious question, "what would happen if people spontaneously combusted"?
Everyone would be afraid that they would spontaneously combust and always carry a fire extinguisher. Places that lacked water would soon be evacuated and fire alarms would be quite useless. Useless that is except for the bedroom. The bedroom would contain a smoke detector placed directly over the concrete bed, because combusting while sleeping would be extremely dangerous on a regular bed.
Sometimes I thought my feet would combust, but they didn't sadly. One of those cool prosthetic legs would be great! Until I would be forced to use one. Okay maybe not that part.

Nose Syphons

I was sipping a fruit smoothie through a straw and an idea struck. What would happen if you plugged your ears, covered your mouth with duct tape, plugged a nostril, and finally shove a straw up the other nostril. Then stuck the straw that is shoved up your nostril in a fruit smoothie and snorted in. Would it create a syphon?  Would it syphon all the smoothie into your nasal cavities and into your mouth with much pain of course?

If you try this, please leave a comment, and I will give a shout out to whoever did it.

CAUTION Do not read this to children under 5 years.

Sigh. This is the way I wish I could write for school.

The Sea contains a plethora of marine life and bacteria like my room.  The first category is the beach

life (not including wild portlandians). Sandpipers are foragers and eat small fish. What do you call a

sandpiper named peter who pecks pickled peppers: Peter Piper.  Seagulls are intelligent birds that

are scavengers and omnivores and like to peck at Children’s heads if they stray from their parent.

Seagulls are intelligent birds that flock together in communities and sometimes uses bread as bait

for the local fisherman. Pelicans are the poorest sea creatures because they always have a large bill. 

 Pelicans have air sacs that they can inflate and deflate with which they float on the water when

they do this they become proud. In addition tide pools also teem with sea life like the bathroom

sink. Starfish have big scary tentacles that enables it to suck out the person’s brain. About 1,500

 species of starfish are found around the world not including the actors in Hollywood. A chiton is a

mollusk that has an eight segment shell to protect it against diving seagulls with harpoons. A chiton

displays homing behavior which means that it shoots a homing missile at the attacker. The crab

always sidesteps out of awkward conversations because of how it’s legs are shaped. The deep sea:

second in place to the final frontier. The whale is the largest mammal on earth with the blue whale

being as big as 100 feet (that was the whale that worked for krispy kreame). Whales have to

consciously breathe, and they cannot become unconscious for too long or they will suffocate which

is why they do not star in action movies. Sharks are carnivores that have loose teeth that constantly

fall out whenever it eats, causing the tooth fairy to work overtime. The shark’s eyes can see in very

dark waters making it a deadly creature for whoever uses the man hole covers. The octopus is an

invertebrate that camouflages into its environment. Well it is that or a Marine sent on an

underwater mission. The octopus is very smart because it uses all of its eight tentacles to text. The

sea teems with all different kinds of animal life and occasionally an unfortunate human.

 

Worst plummer

I was thinking how funny it would be if their was a super hero, who could control everything magnetic. Sounds typically right? Their is a twist. The hero would be attracted to everything metal. All the villain would have to do is throw nails at him in order to get rid of him for his clichéd plan to take over the world.
Poor hero, I wonder what would happen if he tried to buy something at the store. He would walk through the door and immediately all the phones in about a 15ft radius away from the hero would have their memories be erased. As he walked down the produce Isle all the unattended carts would be moving in his direction. If anyone that he walked passed was wearing wire framed glasses, they would follow him too.
Our unfortunate hero successfully walked passed the produce Isle and into the cereal department. By this time he probably would have quite a following of carts. Depending on how magnetic he was that day the tops of the isle might slightly bend towards him. He brushed against a person who was talking on the phone, the as the person talking on the phone is in mid-sentence, the phone flies across the distance to our hero. Finally he reached his destination, the meet department. He found his favorite hot dog brand, and was going to try to make his way through all the carts that had followed him, and purchase his item. As he was waiting in line, he saw the person in front of him nab the next customer's wallet. Our attractive hero pulls out a nine volt battery and attaches it to his leg. As the electricity was coursing through is body he placed his palm on either side of the criminal's head. This caused our magnetic hero's hands to act as an arc welder, zapping the crook.

Graduation Season

Ah the lovely hard seats, the smell of old buildings, and the prattle of pointless chatter. Yup definitely graduation season.
Here is a list of things to keep you occupied during long boring speeches, or long boring graduations.

1. Count the mole: Try to arrange to be seated behind a bald or short haired person. Then see how     many moles and warts you can spot. Afterwards you can give the full tally to the person.

2. Rate the speaker: This only works if multiple people are speaking. Rate the speeches on a scale of 1-10, with ten being amazing and 1 being terrible. I deduct one point every time the speaker cries while talking, and two if it gets too long. I add a point if the speaker says something funny.

3.  Think of all the funny things you would shout at the person speaking if you did not have your reputation at stake. A classic is "BORRING".  I do not recommend saying any of the things you come up with aloud of course.

4. Try to imagine the speaker with head fat, and then in an army uniform with that head fat.

Marking Territory

One dinner conversation I had a revolutionary idea. The same scent glands in dogs are in human's underarms. What would happen in a dystopian future where people marked their territory with their armpits.
You would have situations such as a neighbor watering their lawn, when suddenly a rambunctious juvenile runs up and marks the neighbors tree with their arm. Furiously the neighbor shouts as the juvenile runs away.
Instead of dog fights,  their would be shouting matches. Two men in suits shout at each other during an evening promenade because one of them marked the others fire hydrant.
And for greetings people would sniff each others armpit just to identify the person with the smell.
If you liked your neighbors Mustang, you could slide up and mark their car with your unique odor.
What makes the most sense about this is that of all your senses, you remember smells the best.

Head fat

Have you ever looked at someone's head and thought "I wonder how he would look if he had fat on top of his head instead of his belly"? No? Good, but I did.
Think about it, all the fat in your stomach on your head. Everyone would be anorexic because if you got too fat you could not see, and then you would have to wear a neck brace. Eventually if you got really fat you would suffocate under rolls of your own fat. Since the fat would be next to your nose you would be constantly smelling your yeast infection.
lets just say people would all be bald, because that would be really weird if they were not.
You could also style it too. The barber would ask "Which side do you want your fat to flop on, the left or right?" you would replay "No, I want one of those stylish rubber bands to keep my fat up."

Welcome

I have odd thoughts that I laugh about, so why not share them?
That is basically what this blog is about. All the random weird ideas and thoughts I have.
Enjoy!