Saturday, August 12, 2017

Little Cows over Moon Daycare

Little Cows Over Moon Daycare or LCOMD is an innovative new infant daycare. Instead of a building full of boring crafts and walls that looks like the painter took LSD, LCOMD is completely outside and open aired. All it is, is a parking lot surrounded by a chain linked fence topped with barbed wire (you should never underestimate the little stinkers). Within the parking lot is about 30 human cannons pointed straight up. The infants/toddlers are strapped into the patent pending automatic parachutes and launched directly into the sky. Once the little persons are in the sky, there is no need for a diaper or pacifier. Who is going to hear the screams if they are in the stratosphere? No diapers are not needed either because the asphalt is "very easy to hose down."
On the way down, the automatic parachute deploys at the exact time for the wieght. This does 2 things: 1 it slows their decent and 2 it burps them. The company promises that "Toddlers exposed to the cannon treatment learn valuable life lessons. Such as life's ups and downs." When asked about cognitive development the CEO is reported as saying "nothing is more stimulating than the feeling of your eyeballs being shoved to the back of your skull followed by the feeling of complete helplessness."
The routine for each day is very simple:
-First set of "kangaroo hops" (the technical term of launches)
-Second set of Kangaroo hops
-Pickup (sometimes this entails cleanup if the small human in question had a little accident. They are called "cow patties")
Due to not needing teachers or normal daycare personal, the entire station is managed by only one person who feeds them, packs the parachutes, tucks them in the cannon, and pulls the big red lever.
When the only caretaker was interviewed about his job, he was quoted as saying "This job is really a blast! My favorite part is when they just finish breakfast, and I tuck them in their little parachutes and place them in the cannons. With any luck they are all fast asleep by the time I stick the last one in. I then quietly tip-toe over to the red lever, and pull it as hard as I can. I normally accompany it with "see you later stinkers!!!". After saying this the interviewee burst into uncontrollable laughter while saying something about the look on their faces.
The daycare has only a limited amount of spaces, so apply before its too late. Or wait for a few more "cow patties" to happen.