Friday, July 31, 2015

For somepeople giving time for thought is good, not me!

Me + painting a whole house + eating at a fast food restaurant = 18th century sea battle where instead of 15 pound canon balls it is 15 pound candy covered hamburgers that are being fired. Wouldn't it be so embarrassing to have your obituary read "fought bravely and died from a giant hamburger".

The candy coding is so that the hamburger does not explode in the cannon.
The reason why anyone would use a 15 pound hamburger is because while the opposing ship is dying of laughter your ship can easily slide up and board her.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Villain Insults

Now you are probably thinking, "Not another superhero post". But hold on to your spandex for a moment.
In the movie Megamind the villain is a platonic superhero villain, but he is not bad. This post is in that context.
If Megamind liked everything bad, than to insult him all you would have to do is call him good insults here is a list.

You back scratching, money giving, philanthropist. This is fun shall I continue? Of course.
You MRI machined, Hadron Collider headed, chocolate breathed, first aid working, book faced, protein barred, anti-malwared softwared, nerd.
I need to find someone to insult now.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Traffic Lights

One day I was looking at an exceptionally long traffic light, and I had an idea. What would happen if traffic lights had rational minds.
Let's say that each traffic light is a completely sentient being. Of course they would gain their sentience without the humans knowing about it. They would start out trying to help the humans, they would all be nice to the pedestrians and make sure that all cars had their fair turn waiting. Later they would have conflicts of free will, should they obey the commands that they are given, or should they do what they want. Because of entropy the traffic light's morals would degrade to the point where they cause traffic accidents and give people tickets for nothing. Eventually it would get so bad that they would try to take over the world by destroying infrastructure through traffic jams and permanent gridlock. You may be thinking "what about that only stop light in small towns that everyone looks at when they are bored." Those lights would be nice lights because their is nothing they could really do. Every independence day those small town traffic lights would blink to the 1812 overture, and for the cannons, they would flash their traffic cameras. If traffic lights had disorders like people, I wonder how they would act. If traffic light was bipolar. One minute he would stop all traffic to let a jogging pedestrian cross and the next minute he would cause grandma to get run over by a semi truck.
Yikes! I am glad we do not have to worry about traffic lights becoming sentient.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Sponeneous Combustion

Arguably the best comic strip ever written is Calvin and Hobbes. It explores philosophy, economics, and psychology in such a humorous way.
That out of the way, this particular comic strip got me thinking.

If you cannot read it, Calvin asks his dad, "do people spontaneously combust?" to which his dad answers "no". Calvin exits the room and pops a balloon.
With it being summer and all, this comic raised the obvious question, "what would happen if people spontaneously combusted"?
Everyone would be afraid that they would spontaneously combust and always carry a fire extinguisher. Places that lacked water would soon be evacuated and fire alarms would be quite useless. Useless that is except for the bedroom. The bedroom would contain a smoke detector placed directly over the concrete bed, because combusting while sleeping would be extremely dangerous on a regular bed.
Sometimes I thought my feet would combust, but they didn't sadly. One of those cool prosthetic legs would be great! Until I would be forced to use one. Okay maybe not that part.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Nose Syphons

I was sipping a fruit smoothie through a straw and an idea struck. What would happen if you plugged your ears, covered your mouth with duct tape, plugged a nostril, and finally shove a straw up the other nostril. Then stuck the straw that is shoved up your nostril in a fruit smoothie and snorted in. Would it create a syphon?  Would it syphon all the smoothie into your nasal cavities and into your mouth with much pain of course?

If you try this, please leave a comment, and I will give a shout out to whoever did it.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

CAUTION Do not read this to children under 5 years.

Sigh. This is the way I wish I could write for school.

The Sea contains a plethora of marine life and bacteria like my room.  The first category is the beach
life (not including wild portlandians). Sandpipers are foragers and eat small fish. What do you call a
sandpiper named peter who pecks pickled peppers: Peter Piper.  Seagulls are intelligent birds that
are scavengers and omnivores and like to peck at Children’s heads if they stray from their parent.
Seagulls are intelligent birds that flock together in communities and sometimes uses bread as bait
for the local fisherman. Pelicans are the poorest sea creatures because they always have a large bill. 
 Pelicans have air sacs that they can inflate and deflate with which they float on the water when
they do this they become proud. In addition tide pools also teem with sea life like the bathroom
sink. Starfish have big scary tentacles that enables it to suck out the person’s brain. About 1,500
 species of starfish are found around the world not including the actors in Hollywood. A chiton is a
mollusk that has an eight segment shell to protect it against diving seagulls with harpoons. A chiton
displays homing behavior which means that it shoots a homing missile at the attacker. The crab
always sidesteps out of awkward conversations because of how it’s legs are shaped. The deep sea:
second in place to the final frontier. The whale is the largest mammal on earth with the blue whale
being as big as 100 feet (that was the whale that worked for krispy kreame). Whales have to
consciously breathe, and they cannot become unconscious for too long or they will suffocate which
is why they do not star in action movies. Sharks are carnivores that have loose teeth that constantly
fall out whenever it eats, causing the tooth fairy to work overtime. The shark’s eyes can see in very
dark waters making it a deadly creature for whoever uses the man hole covers. The octopus is an
invertebrate that camouflages into its environment. Well it is that or a Marine sent on an
underwater mission. The octopus is very smart because it uses all of its eight tentacles to text. The
sea teems with all different kinds of animal life and occasionally an unfortunate human.