Thursday, June 25, 2015

Worst plummer

I was thinking how funny it would be if their was a super hero, who could control everything magnetic. Sounds typically right? Their is a twist. The hero would be attracted to everything metal. All the villain would have to do is throw nails at him in order to get rid of him for his clich├ęd plan to take over the world.
Poor hero, I wonder what would happen if he tried to buy something at the store. He would walk through the door and immediately all the phones in about a 15ft radius away from the hero would have their memories be erased. As he walked down the produce Isle all the unattended carts would be moving in his direction. If anyone that he walked passed was wearing wire framed glasses, they would follow him too.
Our unfortunate hero successfully walked passed the produce Isle and into the cereal department. By this time he probably would have quite a following of carts. Depending on how magnetic he was that day the tops of the isle might slightly bend towards him. He brushed against a person who was talking on the phone, the as the person talking on the phone is in mid-sentence, the phone flies across the distance to our hero. Finally he reached his destination, the meet department. He found his favorite hot dog brand, and was going to try to make his way through all the carts that had followed him, and purchase his item. As he was waiting in line, he saw the person in front of him nab the next customer's wallet. Our attractive hero pulls out a nine volt battery and attaches it to his leg. As the electricity was coursing through is body he placed his palm on either side of the criminal's head. This caused our magnetic hero's hands to act as an arc welder, zapping the crook.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Graduation Season

Ah the lovely hard seats, the smell of old buildings, and the prattle of pointless chatter. Yup definitely graduation season.
Here is a list of things to keep you occupied during long boring speeches, or long boring graduations.

1. Count the mole: Try to arrange to be seated behind a bald or short haired person. Then see how     many moles and warts you can spot. Afterwards you can give the full tally to the person.

2. Rate the speaker: This only works if multiple people are speaking. Rate the speeches on a scale of 1-10, with ten being amazing and 1 being terrible. I deduct one point every time the speaker cries while talking, and two if it gets too long. I add a point if the speaker says something funny.

3.  Think of all the funny things you would shout at the person speaking if you did not have your reputation at stake. A classic is "BORRING".  I do not recommend saying any of the things you come up with aloud of course.

4. Try to imagine the speaker with head fat, and then in an army uniform with that head fat.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Marking Territory

One dinner conversation I had a revolutionary idea. The same scent glands in dogs are in human's underarms. What would happen in a dystopian future where people marked their territory with their armpits.
You would have situations such as a neighbor watering their lawn, when suddenly a rambunctious juvenile runs up and marks the neighbors tree with their arm. Furiously the neighbor shouts as the juvenile runs away.
Instead of dog fights,  their would be shouting matches. Two men in suits shout at each other during an evening promenade because one of them marked the others fire hydrant.
And for greetings people would sniff each others armpit just to identify the person with the smell.
If you liked your neighbors Mustang, you could slide up and mark their car with your unique odor.
What makes the most sense about this is that of all your senses, you remember smells the best.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Head fat

Have you ever looked at someone's head and thought "I wonder how he would look if he had fat on top of his head instead of his belly"? No? Good, but I did.
Think about it, all the fat in your stomach on your head. Everyone would be anorexic because if you got too fat you could not see, and then you would have to wear a neck brace. Eventually if you got really fat you would suffocate under rolls of your own fat. Since the fat would be next to your nose you would be constantly smelling your yeast infection.
lets just say people would all be bald, because that would be really weird if they were not.
You could also style it too. The barber would ask "Which side do you want your fat to flop on, the left or right?" you would replay "No, I want one of those stylish rubber bands to keep my fat up."

Welcome

I have odd thoughts that I laugh about, so why not share them?
That is basically what this blog is about. All the random weird ideas and thoughts I have.
Enjoy!