Thursday, March 24, 2016


A friend of mine (not mentioning any names) asked me to advertise for his business that he is starting. Its called "Free Money Removal Services" or FMRS. His business will remove money for you for free! for FREE!! I have placed a few orders myself. Its so useful, everyone I know has piles of useless cash lying around and my friend will remove them with no added charge (though it is advised to tip the person removing the money). I really don't know why people have not come up with this great idea before.
Besides studies show that 93.7% of Americans die because of suffocating under large piles of cash. This means that not only is he removing your cash but also potentially saving your life.
So please don't die from cash inhalation and call my pho..
I mean my friend. yes definitely a friend. Mere acquaintances really. Hardly know each other.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

What you need to know in case you want to excract my pin

I thought it would be a good idea to list all of the ways you could torture me if you want to learn my pin. Just so that you can save time trying to reveal the secret through brute force. Hey your time is just as valuable as mine!

1. Repeat Pluto is a planet 1,000 times for breakfast lunch and dinner.

2. Try to sell me on special water that is supposed to cure cancer every day on the 1 and 3 weeks of the month.

3. Play recordings of people eating really loudly all day 2nd and 4th weeks of the month.

4. While this is happening have me locked away in a fabric store and put me on a vegan diet.

5. Show videos of people smashing factory fresh LEGOs on the 5th week of the month (when there is a fifth week).

6.  Threaten to do any of the above to any of my friends or family (except if its my imaginary friends, they wouldn't mind)(on second thought they probably would mind the Pluto thing, so you could try doing that on them. I might give the desired intelligence then.)

Their you go! So if you want to kidnap me my hours are approximately 11p.m-1:30a.m from Friday to Saturday. If I am not available my secretary will be more than happy to escort you to the door.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Libaries are Dangerous

Even with the internet, nothing beats the feel and smell of a book. As a result concentrations of books create large gravitational forces that suck unsuspecting citizens into. The gravity field around these singularities of books is so strong that not even knowledge can escape.
Alas even the most hardy folk are subjugated to the pull of this force.
I for one has succumbed many times, but yesterday I broke free.
I was in the library looking for books on math. It just so happened that the math section was right next to the theoretical physics and quantum mechanics section. This is the conversation that went on in my head.
Self 1: Stay on target!
Self 2: What a coincidence the math section is right next to the theoretical physics section. Hmm.  Hey! maybe we can find a book about negative energy!
Self  1: Stay on target!
Self 1: Stay on... wait I wonder how his theory compares to mine?
Self 2: Only one way to find out.
Self 1: Sounds great lets check it out.
Self 3 Hold it!
Self 1 and 2: Come on its a great book!!
Self 3: The content of yonder book may be exquisite but no matter how supurb the content is, it does not decrease the stack of books that you are reading.
Self 1: Ugh you are no fun!
Self 2: I guess I see the logic in that argument. Okay lets put it back and we can check it out some other time when we have less to read.
Salf: Well if the board agrees to this decision, fine!
And with that I put down the book realised that the library did not have the book I wanted and walked out of the library without checking out a single book.
I was victorious over this field of attractiveness. I had done it!