Flying Cows Pt 4

  I hopped onto the two-seater ATV behind Tom and his father rode another one to their--what I call--homestead. It was a typical old style farmhouse like the one seen in Interstellar. I admit was nervous about accepting their invitation to lunch. Many diseases are transmitted via the fecal-oral route, and I only eat mushrooms when I am forced to for politeness sake. I followed Tom into the house and there his mother was dressed like a typical earthy hipster. She greeted me with a smile and welcomed me in the soft-spoken way that naturopaths speak. Tom introduced me to her and I learned that her name is Kate. I sat down to a hearty meal of a roast beef sandwich with cheese and mushrooms as well as some fresh vegetables. I will never forget the wonderful flavors of that sandwich. I forgot why I was there, what I needed to do, and when I needed to leave because I was intensely enjoying my lunch. After lunch was over, I felt rather sleepy, but then I had many questions to ask them on the tip of my tongue. However, when I moved and sat down on the couch, I fell asleep. I woke up at dusk. Kate came over and said, "Oh good! You're awake! Are you hungry?"

"No, I am not hungry, but thank you! I should probably leave, and thank you for your hospitality!" I replied

"Leave?! Tonight is when the aliens come to visit us and inspect the farm. You'll learn so much more if you stay!"

If there is one thing I dislike, it is this sort of situation. If I leave, I will probably be able to go back to my normal life and be a productive member of society with a few nagging questions. If I stay, I may embark in an adventure. In any even I will never be the same. How can anyone forget levitating cows?

"How do you know that the aliens will come tonight?" I asked so as to prolong given my final answer

"Oh, well John and Tom study the mushrooms in the forest and there are several special varieties that appear on the eve of when the aliens are to visit us."

My face must have betrayed my skepticism.

"Haha, yes, I know it seems a little strange, and I was skeptical at first, but they have been regular visitors for the past two years."

"Why do they come at night? And with today's technology wouldn't the US government be able to detect a flying object?"

"Oh, well that is when mushrooms appear, and from what Tom and John say, the materials and navigation are something they have never seen before. You have so many great questions. Just stay and I'm sure one of the aliens would be more than happy to talk to you!"

"I'm sure." I said in my dry sarcastic voice. My thirst for adventure and excitement was outweighing my commonsense. I have been living a life of common sense and respectability. I pulled out my phone and texted my parents to let them know that I was staying at the coast for a couple of days. I gave them the reason that I was rather stressed and needed a break…which was true to some extent. I have been wanting to live in an adventure instead of watch or read one. I also didn't want anyone to inevitably worry about me and send the police searching for me. With that task done, I told Kate, "Okay, so I have decided to stay. What do I do now?"

"Oh, this is wonderful! We need a scientist! I study herbs and mushrooms, but I don't have a background in biology."

"Wait a minute, are you saying that I was targeted? Like the aliens somehow figured out who I am what I do and that I would come here?"

"Well…I don't know," replied Kate. I suddenly was feeling a bit scared. I don't have a PhD in biology, nor have I participated in ground breaking research. I only have done the grunt-work of research as a research assistant. Yes, I have a great curiosity about the world and have many interests outside of extracting DNA and studying proteins. If anything, I am guided by common sense and try to come to logical conclusions. But if I was chosen by some species outside of this earth for whatever purpose they have, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. Not knowing what to expect is worse than knowing what to expect even if what you expect is the very worse.

"However, you should eat something."

"Will I fall asleep again? By the way why did I fall asleep almost immediately after eating lunch?" I asked

"No, you won't fall asleep again, you may feel somewhat drowsy. This beef is special and if it was any other kind of beef I would not eat it. However, we have a special herd, (not the levitating kind) given to us by the aliens. That is primarily for food. I can't tell you much more than that except I feel like I can learn and retain more information."

"Well, it sounds extraordinary and if it makes me smarter, well I don't mind. Sure, I'll have some dinner!" I responded

If I am being "poisoned," then might as well make the most of it, right? That is purely a rhetorical question, but the food was very good. Maybe the beef has compounds in it that promotes relaxation and allows the brain to reorganize and store information in a more efficient manner. It's a pleasant thought, but until some real research can be done on it, it is only through not very trustworthy testimonials. Yes, I know that I am trying this because of what someone said, but I am feeling adventurous.

After I finished eating and was getting up, suddenly everything around me became very still.

I then heard Kate say, "They are here. Come with me." With some trepidation, I followed Kate out the door and knew at that moment I was like Bilbo Baggins going on his adventure. The galaxy is ahead, earth is behind me. 

Bungee Seats

Have you ever gone to a concert hall and looked up at the ceiling, and thought, "it would be so cool to jump off of the catwalks." No I am not suicidal. In fact that is the exact reason why I do not jump. The flight would be fun but the impact... less fun. Maybe that is why humpty dumpty fell.
In order to fix this problem I think every concert hall needs to install bungee chairs. Right before the concert starts the attendees strap themselves into the chairs and are pushed off of the catwalk. a strong bungee cord then keeps them from plummeting to their death but also heightens the shows suspense. Who does not want to see a performance or concert from the ceiling. A possible problem with this idea is that it might cause ticket sales to go through the roof.

An adventure

Today I was engaging in that necessary pursuit, cooking. Sigh. Without it I would starve, with it I have to reallocate time to the collection and stirring of various substances to make something that tastes slightly better. Oh well. Anyway I was engaging in this pursuit when discovered that I had run out of sugar. As a result I went questing into the dark caverns dubbed the ominous term "The Garage" in order to climb a tall freezer and retrieve the much needed bag of sugar. Just after I retrieved the parcel of glucose I spotted a cookie tin. "Halloo what is this here? A leftover from Christmas overlooked by the hungry creatures that inhabit the garage? As I walked closer to this treasure chest I realized that I in my hurry to complete the quest I had not engaged in any of the dungeon monsters. For there walking across a lid dating from the Mesozoic era crawled a sugar ant. I made a mental note of it and continued my walk to the tin. Joy upon joy this chest did contain loot! Unfortunately it was just the oatmeal raisin cookies that were made using the wrong recipe. Not to be deterred I placed the whole morsel into my mouth. As I approached the daylight, the undefeated dungeon boss crawled out of the shadows and challenged me as to what I had eaten. It said something like "thou hastes stolen from my hoard and will pay dearly." I forgot the real words but it was something of the sort. In order to reply I spat out the contents of my mouth onto my hand. I said, "My apologies ma'am, I did not know these were off limits." Puffing smoke from her nostrils she replied,"Tho would be well advised not to do that again and incur my wrath".
The glorious light greeted my glad face as I calmly walked out of The Garage with the gelatinous glop of cookie in my right palm. I had conquered The Garage once again and claimed my prize. I was the victor and to the victor belongs the spoils. Seconds before I stuck the dead cookie in my mouth I noticed something was aloof. Upon further examination I saw what appeared to be a tiny leg and then a tiny torso that had tiny wings. What sort of treachery was this? What villain hath tainted my spoils? If I had not scrupulously inspected the gelatinous mixture, it would have put an end to my cooking and possibly an end to my adventures. For their it was, ants. Sigh! Perhaps I shall not die for ants are a delicacy in many cultures so perhaps it was a sign of hospitality. After recovering from shock I finished baking my quest, and made a mixture that was slightly better than its parts.

Happy April Fools!

April Fools day has its origin in many different cultures from Rome, India, and Medieval Europe. New Years during the middle ages was celebrated on March 25th. It also used to be that New Years was celebrated week long ending on the April 1st. The people who celebrated New Years on January 1st made fun of the people that celebrated later in the year. Eventually you were considered a fool if you celebrated New Years on April 1st. Many different traditions surround April Fools Day such as if you did any April Fools jokes before noon you were considered the April Fool. I guess that makes me the fool for posting this a (little) after noon April 1st.

Free!!

A friend of mine (not mentioning any names) asked me to advertise for his business that he is starting. Its called "Free Money Removal Services" or FMRS. His business will remove money for you for free! for FREE!! I have placed a few orders myself. Its so useful, everyone I know has piles of useless cash lying around and my friend will remove them with no added charge (though it is advised to tip the person removing the money). I really don't know why people have not come up with this great idea before.
Besides studies show that 93.7% of Americans die because of suffocating under large piles of cash. This means that not only is he removing your cash but also potentially saving your life.
So please don't die from cash inhalation and call my pho..
I mean my friend. yes definitely a friend. Mere acquaintances really. Hardly know each other.

What you need to know in case you want to excract my pin

I thought it would be a good idea to list all of the ways you could torture me if you want to learn my pin. Just so that you can save time trying to reveal the secret through brute force. Hey your time is just as valuable as mine!

1. Repeat Pluto is a planet 1,000 times for breakfast lunch and dinner.

2. Try to sell me on special water that is supposed to cure cancer every day on the 1 and 3 weeks of the month.

3. Play recordings of people eating really loudly all day 2nd and 4th weeks of the month.

4. While this is happening have me locked away in a fabric store and put me on a vegan diet.

5. Show videos of people smashing factory fresh LEGOs on the 5th week of the month (when there is a fifth week).

6.  Threaten to do any of the above to any of my friends or family (except if its my imaginary friends, they wouldn't mind)(on second thought they probably would mind the Pluto thing, so you could try doing that on them. I might give the desired intelligence then.)

Their you go! So if you want to kidnap me my hours are approximately 11p.m-1:30a.m from Friday to Saturday. If I am not available my secretary will be more than happy to escort you to the door.

Libaries are Dangerous

Even with the internet, nothing beats the feel and smell of a book. As a result concentrations of books create large gravitational forces that suck unsuspecting citizens into. The gravity field around these singularities of books is so strong that not even knowledge can escape.
Alas even the most hardy folk are subjugated to the pull of this force.
I for one has succumbed many times, but yesterday I broke free.
I was in the library looking for books on math. It just so happened that the math section was right next to the theoretical physics and quantum mechanics section. This is the conversation that went on in my head.
Self 1: Stay on target!
Self 2: What a coincidence the math section is right next to the theoretical physics section. Hmm.  Hey! maybe we can find a book about negative energy!
Self  1: Stay on target!
Self 2: THEY HAVE THE SCIENCE BEHIND DOCTOR WHO!!! We HAVE to get that.
Self 1: Stay on... wait I wonder how his theory compares to mine?
Self 2: Only one way to find out.
Self 1: Sounds great lets check it out.
Self 3 Hold it!
Self 1 and 2: Come on its a great book!!
Self 3: The content of yonder book may be exquisite but no matter how supurb the content is, it does not decrease the stack of books that you are reading.
Self 1: Ugh you are no fun!
Self 2: I guess I see the logic in that argument. Okay lets put it back and we can check it out some other time when we have less to read.
Salf: Well if the board agrees to this decision, fine!
And with that I put down the book realised that the library did not have the book I wanted and walked out of the library without checking out a single book.
I was victorious over this field of attractiveness. I had done it!