A Heatfilled Valentines Day

I posted this last year, and I think that this is still hilarious


The sweltering sun beat mercilessly down upon the inhabitants of  the Incan city. A casual observer would notice that the drab stone houses were devoid of their normal occupants. If that same visitor were to travel through the center of the city he would come to the temple where all the villages inhabitants were gathered. One might ask what event caused this displacement of inhabitants from their normal duties. The answer lies in the top of the temple where the chief priest, dressed in all the colors of a garden in spring, stood surrounded by the other priests dressed in a similar garb. For this was sacrifice day. Upon the unforgiving cold stone alter bespattered with blood lay the helpless sacrifice. Some unfortunate soul that could have come from a battle or maybe he just happened to be at the wrong place in the wrong time. It mattered not where. The victim screamed and pleaded to be released, but his pleas landed on deaf ears as the priests gagged him and bound him to that hard alter. The sacrifice gave one last gallant effort to break free of his cruel bonds and then fell silent as he awaited his doom. The priest raised his right hand high above his soon to be sacrifice as the fingers of the priest clenched his curved obsidian knife. Would he relent? Would he release his victim out of a moment of love and compassion? NO! The hand of the priest flew in a devilish downward arc. Like a lion pouncing on his panic stricken prey, the knife cut ever downward. Down to the chest of the victim. Down to the death of this innocent soul the hand of the priest flew like the bird of prey represented on the helmet that the priest bore. Now the priest has plunged the knife into the soft flesh of his victim. The priest's prey gave one last utterance and lay forever quiet as the predator lifted up its victims heart up to the sun. As the blood streamed down the priests once colorful robes something unexpected happened. The heart slipped out the priests hands and fell to the stone floor of the temple. The crowd gasped. This had never happened before. Ashamed that he had spoiled the ceremony, the priest bent down to pick up the heart. Suddenly the heart stood up on its life giving veins and unsheathed a small dagger. Like Beowulf killing the dragon, the heart stabbed the priest multiple times. The hunter became the hunted. The predator became the prey as the heart of the priest's victim slew the priest. As he lay dying the priest gasped. Help I am having a heart attack!!!

Happy Valentines Day!
Please do not have a heart attack or get attacked by heart!

Three must see tips to ace every test

Tips on how to ace every test:

#1 Always bring a coin. I cannot stress how important this is. If it is a true or false question and you have no idea, your best chance is to go with complete randomness.

#2 The longer the answer the better. If there is a question that you are not quite sure about, just keep rambling and hope you hit all the points.

#3 Do NOT study. Studying for tests makes the whole experience boring. Its way more fun to stitch what little you know about the Napoleonic wars, to answer a question about the velocity of a canon ball. You are a detective and the murder you are trying to prevent is the death of your grades.

With these three easy tips you are guaranteed to ace every test. As long as you bring the deck of cards.

Things I do not want to happen

I realized for the first time that I never want to see my grandparents again. This is because if I did that it would mean that their is a zombie apocalypse, because they are currently deceased. I sure hope my grandchildren do not see me when I die either! (I loved my grandparents and I was sad when they died)

How to be the life of the party in a foreign country

If you are ever at a party where everyone else has formed groups and you are left out, what should you do?
You should turn to the empty space next to you and start a conversation with you imaginary friend. It can be any topic you like and your imaginary friend is a good listener. I'm sure a real person might start talking with you after they see you talking to empty air.

Thanks France!

For some odd reason we are more popular in France then America. Hmm... Maybe we should start posting in English AND French.
Pour une raison étrange, nous sommes plus populaires en France puis l’Amérique. Hmm... Peut-être que nous devrions commencer affichant en anglais ET en Français.

The best burglar alarm. Security companies hate it!

Anyone want to know the best burglar alarm? Some fancy motion detecting alarm you might say? Nope, dust. That is right, good old dead skin cells. Here is how it works. The unsuspecting intruder breaks in. Because you read this from your favorite blog, you have not dusted in years. The intruder takes one whiff and BOOM!! he is coughing and sneezing all the way out of the house. At the very least it alerts you. What about you? Easy, just wear a gas-mask all around your house because what is more comfortable than watching TV through a gas-mask.

Caller blocked

Due to many spam and annoying phone callers, the phone has a rather large blocked caller list. The phone starts ring and just as you are about to answer it, the blocked caller screen appears and it ceases it rant. I like to think what happens is that somewhere along the signal, a grey bearded cloaked figure with a staff appears, and slamming his staff on the oncoming signal shouts "you shall not pass". Then signal then dies away and the phone registers call "blocked".
Okay I know that's not how it works, but it would be really cool if what we view as technology and circuitry has a huge vast fantasy world behind it. For example if your computer was actually a city, and when the computer crashes the city is experiencing a hurricane or natural disaster.